You’re Not Failing—You’re in the Fourth Trimester
What is the Fourth Trimester?
The fourth trimester is the final quarter of the year that it takes to make a human. It’s the first 12 weeks after birth and it’s an evolutionary phenomenon where human babies are born completely helpless and needing as fetal brains and heads began to grow past the point of reasonable passage through the birth canal. Pros and cons of evolution. This time is just as much of a hormonal surge as puberty and becoming pregnant were, so strap in for some unexpected symptoms. Not only is this a major adjustment for mom, but it’s also a massive adjustment for this little being that’s entire existence, life as she knew it, has been turned inside out.
Western cultures are far too happy to gush over the bump pics and buying little toys, furniture, and all of the baby clothes. But not enough of us are making and delivering meals, coming over to wash laundry, do dishes, or hold a sleeping infant so mom can shower. Unfortunately, women are also socialized to believe that a “good mother” should be able to handle this on her own. Unfortunately, dads receive little to no paid time off when a new baby is born. And unfortunately, we are currently a generation of mothers who, for the first time, may still have full-time working parents who cannot offer more than an Amazon delivery of diapers.
Why does everything feel wrong?
This season, the fourth trimester, is overwhelmingly intense in the emotional experiences. Awe and a smidge of disappointment. Confusion and overwhelm. Joy, elation, and the baby blues bringing you to a place that scares you into questioning if you ever really wanted this at all. So we pop a picture of our beautiful, sweet sleeping baby on social media to prove to everyone, self-included, that being a mother is the best. And sometimes you don’t even feel like a mom; a mom is that woman driving the SUV delivering cookies to the bake sale and picking up children from soccer practice. The fourth trimester can feel like the ultimate imposter syndrome with self-doubt and uncertainty forcing you to second guess your every move for the first time in a long time.
So, you’re not sleeping, you’re sweating, your boobs are leaking, and you’re seriously considering giving the postpartum doula a call. You may be fighting with your partner, or at least resenting them on some level, for everything that isn’t even their fault. (I’ve certainly talked a few women off the ledge of leaving their husbands during this phase). And it’s ironic that the hardest time in a marriage comes simultaneously as your love and connection with your partner has culminated into this tiny human.
The fear and grief are strong in this stage, and they will wax and wane over time and maybe the idea of returning to a life resembling the one you had before is chilling. Consider that other countries offer 6 months to a year for maternity leave, because it is the most profound adjustment of your life.
Why You’re Not Failing
Let’s be clear: needing help doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human. The narrative around “bouncing back” after birth is toxic and unrealistic. You didn’t just “have a baby.” You created life, delivered it, and are now keeping that tiny person alive on almost no sleep, while your hormones do backflips and your identity is quietly, dramatically shifting. There is no “back”—only forward, into this new, unfolding version of yourself.
You’ve never done this before—not like this, not with this baby, not in this body. Of course you’re exhausted. Of course you’re grieving parts of your old life while loving this new one. That doesn’t make you ungrateful. That makes you real.
How Therapy Can Help
This season can stir up intrusive thoughts, complex feelings about your birth experience, old wounds from childhood, and intense relationship stress. In therapy, we make space for all of it. There is room for your grief, your rage, your joy, your ambivalence. We work together to help you feel grounded again, to sort through what’s yours and what’s just noise. To reconnect with yourself—not just as “mom,” but as a full human being.
A Gentle Reminder
You are not broken. You are becoming.
This season is hard—but you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here to help you feel more like yourself again.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out for a consultation, follow along for more resources, or simply take a deep breath. You’re doing better than you think.